Bookshelves are glutted with relationship books, each one promising relationship help. With so many out there, how can you know which one to look at let alone buy?

First, so that we’re totally transparent, Judith and I have written five relationship books. Our relationship help has been recognized as world-class. But you must approach our relationship books like you would anyone else’s.

When in the relationship section, don’t depend on the book cover or the endorsements on the back no matter who they’re written by. And mostly, ignore the marketing pitch on the cover that says — New York Times Best Seller. That may mean nothing to you and your need.

When a title catches your attention, it’s speaking to the relationship help you’re looking for . . .

Stop for a moment and ask yourself, “Why did this title stand out among all the relationship books around it?” Because you’ve made a connection.

Then, to figure out if the relationship help this book offers is right for you, open the book to any page at random. Read a page or two. How do you feel? What relationship can you create with the author(s)? What point of view do they take that makes them different from other relationship books? What specific relationship help do you want? And can you get it from the author(s)?

Because when you decide to read any one of the many relationship books, you’ve decided to create a relationship with the author(s), and your relationship will develop and grow as you read. That’s why we say you should read a few pages to see if you’re going to get the best relationship help and advice you can. If you don’t feel a connection, keep looking.

Relationship books are like any other commodity. Some are good. Some are not. And no one size fits all.

Remember, relationship help is very specific; as specific as you are unique. Take your time. If you have to go through a few, perhaps many relationship books, to find the right feel — do it. It’s worth your investment, because it’s all about building and maintaining a successful and lasting relationship. relationship books can help you do that.

Judith & Jim

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How married women imagine their marriage bed is very different from what married men imagines.

For married women, the marriage bed is less a space of sex than it is the experience of respect, care, and affection. The images married women enjoy have to do with emotional connection and closeness.

That’s not to say that married women don’t enjoy the sheer physical pleasure of love making.  They do. For the most part, married women are just as lusty as any married man. But they need the added dimension of real emotional connectedness to make their marriage bed whole and complete.

To every married man who is reading this article . . . 

I am not speaking to you as a psychologist, but just man to man.

You’ve no doubt heard about foreplay, taking time, going slow, making sure your wife is ready. As a married man that’s all true. But what about emotional intimacy — making yourself emotionally available to her as she wants to make herself available to you?  

1) Talk — tell her what you’re feeling. Not just physical feelings, but what it means to be with her. That’s a part of foreplay married women need to transform their marriage bed into an experience of trust and excitement.

2) Tenderness — is about emotional intimacy: knowing that feelings of the marriage bed are delicate, sometimes even raw, and must be respected. It’s not just about charging ahead toward the orgasm. Emotional intimacy can include fear, weepiness, lust, distraction as part of her overall experience.

3) Time — not clock time, but emotional time: the time it takes for an emotion to play itself through. For example, if she becomes distracted she may need a few seconds to a few minutes to bring herself back to your marriage bed. It’s not a matter of you’re being patient. It’s a matter of being attuned to where she’s at and respecting what she needs to get herself back to you.

For married women the marriage bed is both a fun, romping place and a sacred place. Married women need both, because their marriage bed is as much about being married as it is about sex.

Jim Sniechowski

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Identifying emotions in yourself and your partner is essential to the best communication in marriage.

But it’s unfortunate that neither men or women receive much help or training in identifying emotions. When it comes to feelings, we’re all pretty much on our own. And what happens as a result? You mistake what you’re feeling in yourself and each other.

Mistaking emotions is one of the main causes of relationship heartache. You know . . . those painful, confusing, crazy-making times when neither one of you knows what to do to stop it. Neither one of you clearly knows what you’re feeling and so you can’t let your partner know. And neither one of you can stop digging the hole of heartache you’re in and so it gets deeper and deeper until you feel like wanting to just give up.

That doesn’t have to continue. Why? Because identifying emotions is definitely a way to bring about the end of that downward spiral and the end of heartache.

Here are 3 ways to help yourself and your partner identify what’s going on emotionally:

1) If you’re not sure what your partner is feeling — ASK. Don’t clam up and don’t assume you know. That’s a sure way to create mistrust. Just ASK.

2) If you’re not sure what you’re feeling don’t be afraid to admit it. Your honesty strengthens the trust and connection in your relationship.

3) Discovering yourself and your partner through talking about feelings is all about emotion management. Otherwise your relationship can spin out of control and cause all kinds of unnecessary heartache.

Identifying emotions and sharing them with each other guarantees the end of heartache and is the best way for keeping romance alive.

And you can find romance every day if you know what you’re doing. It’s easy. Want to find out how? Take our FREE Romance I.Q. Quiz. It’s your first step in learning about identifying emotions.

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